My wife recently went on a “Girls’ Weekend” with her best girlfriends from college, and she wanted to take some romantic, girlie DVDs with her for the weekend, so she asked me for some advice on what to rent. Now, I’d like to tell you that she was asking the wrong person and that all I could come up with for a good, romantic girlie movie was “Full Metal Jacket.” But, indeed, she had asked the right person (and she knew it, sadly, she knew it).

I love girlie date romantic comedies. Always have. And romantic unintentional comedies are even better (I’m looking right at you, Keanu Reeves). And romantic unintentional SPORTS comedies are even better. For me, they don’t have to be well acted, well written, or even remotely original to capture my interest and attention. And pile on the clichés and cheap plot mechanisms, I don’t mind. All I need is a semi-hot to hot lead female love interest (but this is CRITICAL; if the girl isn’t at least semi-hot, the romantic comedy will be ruined for me; I call it Molly Ringwalding a film), a dude who doesn’t irritate the eff out of me (meaning no Dermot Mulroney), and a semi-interesting, somewhat believable plot (maybe throw in a zany, madcap friend or two). End of list. I’m in.

However, there are two cheap, clichéd, overused mechanisms in romantic comedies that I just can’t stand, and it drives me crazy every time I see them. One is the “end of the movie running scene.” This is where the lead guy (I say guy here, but the roles are just as easily reversed) has had an epiphany about the lead girl, and the guy must RUN, because THERE’S NO TIME TO WASTE, to IMMEDIATELY get to the lead girl. Even though they’ve been seeing the lead girl practically AT WILL, ALL THE TIME, THROUGHOUT THE FILM, now that the guy has had this epiphany, it is URGENT, like Need-A-New-Kidney Urgent, that they see the lead girl PRONTO. Often times this urgency is combined with a plane flight/boat trip/bus ride/space flight, with the implication being that if the lead girl is allowed to get on that plane/boat/bus/space shuttle without hearing the amazing realization that the guy had about the two of them, well, their relationship will be lost forever. And phones apparently are never an option. Ever. No, this one must be legged out by the lead guy, who must ignore all laws, rules of society, etiquette, decency, etc. in the process. Sure, that person the guy just stole a car from will totally understand once they find out the dude is in LOVE, just had an EPIPHANY, and is currently knee deep in a RUN SCENE.

These scenes irritate me to no end. Examples include the “New Years Eve” scene in When Harry Met Sally. An otherwise very likeable romantic comedy, but Harry has an epiphany about Sally walking the streets of NYC on New Year’s Eve, and then has to RUN TO HER, the implication being that if he doesn’t make it to her by midnight to ring in the New Year, the relationship may be lost forever (even though they’ve known each other for ten freaking years). I hate that scene.

A more egregious offense would be Must Love Dogs. It’s almost impossible to screw up a romantic comedy with John Cusack and Diane Lane (although they also threw in Dermot Mulroney, who is Romantic Comedy Kryptonite), but the end of movie run scene in Must Love Dogs is ten times worse because it appears to be for no discernible reason whatsoever. Getting to Sally before midnight on New Year’s Eve looks like stopping her from getting on a space shuttle to Mars by comparison. Another horrible example of the end of movie run scene is the “run to the press conference” scene at the end of Notting Hill (GREAT movie, HORRIBLE scene).

As far as I can tell, Secret Admirer is the only romantic unintentional comedy with an AWESOME run scene which actually enhances an otherwise AWESOME movie (C. Thomas Howell, Kelly Preston, Lori Loughlin. Enough said. The Academy Awards should really be called the Secret Admirer Awards.) In Secret Admirer (or, as I like to call it, Unintentional Comedy Casablanca), C. Thomas Howell has to get to Lori Loughlin before she sails away for a semester on the open ocean, and he jumps off the dock into the ocean chasing after the boat. There are so many things right with that last sentence I don’t even know where to begin. That’s how you do a run scene, Hollywood.

The second cheap, clichéd mechanism in romantic comedies that irritates me is generally isolated in romantic sports comedies. It’s at the end of the movie, after the lead guy has overcome impossible odds to win The Big Game/Match/Meet/Tournament/Competition/Fight etc. The ridiculously hot (but CRAZY AND BITCHY) mean girl, who is the antagonist to the nice, sane, hot-but-slightly-less-hot lead girl, is now re-interested in the lead guy – because he won The Big Game/Match/Meet/Tournament/Competition/Fight, you see. I guess that’s how things work. I wouldn’t know, I always sucked. Examples of this would include the end scene of Better off Dead and Teen Wolf. Of course, I would have burned the movie theater down if Lane Myer had gone back to Beth, instead of the cute little frenchy, at the end of Better off Dead. So maybe I don’t hate that cliché after all.

Which leads us to Dirty Dancing. One of the best romantic comedies ever, and it would have sucked without Patrick Swayze. Dirty Dancing had everything you could possibly want in a romantic comedy: semi-hot lead girl (although Jennifer Grey’s original nose, like James Dean, died very young soon after the filming of Dirty Dancing), cool lead guy, music, dancing, back alley abortions, watermelons, witty writing, etc…You name it, Dirty Dancing’s got it. We as a nation have withstood myriad celebrities dying recently (some pedophiles, some not), but Patrick Swayze was the first one to make me exclaim, “NOOOOOOO!” when I read the news. Rest in peace, Patrick Swayze, you will be missed.

Well that’s it for now. Sorry to have to run out on you, but, you see, I just had an epiphany that I need to share with my beloved wife now. And I mean RIGHT NOW. Sure, I could call her, text her, email her, or just see her at home tonight, but this is BIG, REALLY BIG, and it’s imperative that I run out of the building in her general direction, and maybe steal a car and run every red light until I get to her. Hope you understand.

Welcome to my first blog. Your time is precious, and so is mine, so let’s start our relationship with a note of honesty. If you read my blog regularly, and you don’t find one single nugget of wisdom that you can use to improve your daily life, or one single inspiring thought or idea that you are able to put into practice in your personal life…congratulations! You are reading my blog correctly. I don’t intend to provide you with one single bit of anything even approaching a substantive or relevant thought. I will, however, try to make you smile and maybe touch on an entertaining subject or two.

Well, let’s get to it. My sister, who lives in Manhattan, recently sent me a link rating “The best bars in NYC to break up in.”

My first thought was, “New York has EVERYTHING! Even special bars to break up in!” I’ve been happily with my wife for over 10 years now, so it’s been a loooong time since I thought about either breaking up or being broken up with, and the topic of break ups took me on a nice stroll down Bad Memory Lane. And it made me wonder – what makes a good/bad break up place? What makes a good/bad break up?

Well, I guess for me, the best possible way to be broken up with (back in my former single life) would have been to have the break up lowered on me while sitting in 50 yard line seats at the Super Bowl – her treat. The worst possible way to be broken up with would be to discover your girl in your bed with the starting five of the Los Angeles Clippers. That would destroy me, and most men, I’m confident. The Lakers would hurt really really bad. But the Clippers? I’d explode, “The CLIPPERS!?! Really? Have you seen these dudes PLAY? I’m surprised they could even ‘find your basket.’ They’ve done more scoring on you tonight than they have on any basketball court recently, believe me. Sheesh.” For months I would just wander around muttering like Rain Man, “The Clippers….definitely…definitely the Clippers. Time for Wapner.”

So in between those two extremes is everything else. The worst break up I’ve ever initiated occurred at Marie Callender’s. I was just ready to move on, and needed to pick a place to tell her. I thought getting dumped like Wednesday’s recycleables would go down a little smoother for her with a nice slice of pie. And both me and her jeans had good reason to believe she enjoyed a good slice of pie. Often. We sit down, order, small talk, pie arrives, and I get down to it- “Look, this isn’t working out.” Smash cut to me wearing her pie and her running out of the restaurant screaming. Well, I too enjoy a nice slice of pie on occasion (ok, often), so I sat there and finished mine while wearing hers while the entire restaurant stared at the insensitive a-hole covered in his date’s pie. Once I finished, I paid the check (huge tip) while the Marie Callender’s Haz Mat Team cleaned up the greater table area, and tried to walk out with what was left of my dignity (it turns out I’d lost my dignity many, many moons before that incident).

As I walked out of the restaurant I realized…we drove together, and she’s waiting, furious, next to my car. AWKWARD. In fact, the car ride to her place belongs in the Pantheon of Awkward Moments. My advice to any single people reading this – don’t break up at Marie Callender’s, and if you do, take separate cars and try to steer her away from any of the red berry pies.

In contrast to that incident, the best break up I’ve ever initiated occurred in a nice “low lights, premium beer” bar. I learned my lesson after the Marie Callender’s incident. I sat with my back to the door and wore an outfit that could absorb a Sam Adams nicely. We sit down, order, small talk, drinks arrive, and I get down to it- “Look, this isn’t working out.” And she responds, gleefully, “I KNOW, RIGHT? TOTALLY!” Um, wait. I didn’t want her to throw her pie on me or anything, but she should be a LITTLE disappointed right? She shouldn’t sound like she just got PAROLED right? I was all prepared to give her the cliché, snotty, self-absorbed lines – “It’s not you, it’s me. You deserve better, and you’re going to find him, soon, I know it. There, there, don’t cry.” When you’re really thinking, “Enjoy your last moment of Awesomeness with me, baby, ‘cause I’m going to haunt your thoughts FOREVER. You ain’t ever getting over THIS [motioning both hands up and down entire body].” But she robbed me of that moment by being so excited that I broke up with her. How insensitive of her.

Now, in the spirit of fair and even disclosure, I’ve also been broken up with (I know, I know, it’s mind boggling to me too). The best break up I’ve ever had on the other end was in 5^th grade. She slipped me a note that read, “Brad – We are broke up. – Andrea.” Nice! That’s a break up! Written notification personally served…the lawyer in me loves that! The worst break up I’ve ever been given was in my car. In MY car. Single ladies out there – a man’s whip is a special thing to him. Don’t taint that special thing by breaking up with him in his car. Unless he’s a major league jerk. In that case, let him catch you with the starting five for the Los Angeles Clippers in his car. He deserves it.

You may be wondering, “Is there anything even remotely resembling a point in all this?” No. Except maybe one – break ups suck on either end. But without break ups you wouldn’t have found that special person who doesn’t irritate you all that much. With that thought, I’m off to get a nice slice of pie.

If you have any good breakup stories, email them to me at brad [at] inknburn.com. If I get a few of them I’ll do an addendum to this post with them. Also, if you have any ideas for a great breakup tee… you have a chance to win $200! submit your art here or click on the banner below.

If you aren’t an artist but have a vision, write it up and email it to us. If one of our staff artists likes it enough to turn it into a tee design, we will. If you are an artist, send us a jpg of your idea. We’ll post all the top versions and do a real contest to decide the winner. Winner gets a free tee with their design and $200 and in return you can give us the rights to print your design!