Welcome to my first blog. Your time is precious, and so is mine, so let’s start our relationship with a note of honesty. If you read my blog regularly, and you don’t find one single nugget of wisdom that you can use to improve your daily life, or one single inspiring thought or idea that you are able to put into practice in your personal life…congratulations! You are reading my blog correctly. I don’t intend to provide you with one single bit of anything even approaching a substantive or relevant thought. I will, however, try to make you smile and maybe touch on an entertaining subject or two.

Well, let’s get to it. My sister, who lives in Manhattan, recently sent me a link rating “The best bars in NYC to break up in.”

My first thought was, “New York has EVERYTHING! Even special bars to break up in!” I’ve been happily with my wife for over 10 years now, so it’s been a loooong time since I thought about either breaking up or being broken up with, and the topic of break ups took me on a nice stroll down Bad Memory Lane. And it made me wonder – what makes a good/bad break up place? What makes a good/bad break up?

Well, I guess for me, the best possible way to be broken up with (back in my former single life) would have been to have the break up lowered on me while sitting in 50 yard line seats at the Super Bowl – her treat. The worst possible way to be broken up with would be to discover your girl in your bed with the starting five of the Los Angeles Clippers. That would destroy me, and most men, I’m confident. The Lakers would hurt really really bad. But the Clippers? I’d explode, “The CLIPPERS!?! Really? Have you seen these dudes PLAY? I’m surprised they could even ‘find your basket.’ They’ve done more scoring on you tonight than they have on any basketball court recently, believe me. Sheesh.” For months I would just wander around muttering like Rain Man, “The Clippers….definitely…definitely the Clippers. Time for Wapner.”

So in between those two extremes is everything else. The worst break up I’ve ever initiated occurred at Marie Callender’s. I was just ready to move on, and needed to pick a place to tell her. I thought getting dumped like Wednesday’s recycleables would go down a little smoother for her with a nice slice of pie. And both me and her jeans had good reason to believe she enjoyed a good slice of pie. Often. We sit down, order, small talk, pie arrives, and I get down to it- “Look, this isn’t working out.” Smash cut to me wearing her pie and her running out of the restaurant screaming. Well, I too enjoy a nice slice of pie on occasion (ok, often), so I sat there and finished mine while wearing hers while the entire restaurant stared at the insensitive a-hole covered in his date’s pie. Once I finished, I paid the check (huge tip) while the Marie Callender’s Haz Mat Team cleaned up the greater table area, and tried to walk out with what was left of my dignity (it turns out I’d lost my dignity many, many moons before that incident).

As I walked out of the restaurant I realized…we drove together, and she’s waiting, furious, next to my car. AWKWARD. In fact, the car ride to her place belongs in the Pantheon of Awkward Moments. My advice to any single people reading this – don’t break up at Marie Callender’s, and if you do, take separate cars and try to steer her away from any of the red berry pies.

In contrast to that incident, the best break up I’ve ever initiated occurred in a nice “low lights, premium beer” bar. I learned my lesson after the Marie Callender’s incident. I sat with my back to the door and wore an outfit that could absorb a Sam Adams nicely. We sit down, order, small talk, drinks arrive, and I get down to it- “Look, this isn’t working out.” And she responds, gleefully, “I KNOW, RIGHT? TOTALLY!” Um, wait. I didn’t want her to throw her pie on me or anything, but she should be a LITTLE disappointed right? She shouldn’t sound like she just got PAROLED right? I was all prepared to give her the cliché, snotty, self-absorbed lines – “It’s not you, it’s me. You deserve better, and you’re going to find him, soon, I know it. There, there, don’t cry.” When you’re really thinking, “Enjoy your last moment of Awesomeness with me, baby, ‘cause I’m going to haunt your thoughts FOREVER. You ain’t ever getting over THIS [motioning both hands up and down entire body].” But she robbed me of that moment by being so excited that I broke up with her. How insensitive of her.

Now, in the spirit of fair and even disclosure, I’ve also been broken up with (I know, I know, it’s mind boggling to me too). The best break up I’ve ever had on the other end was in 5^th grade. She slipped me a note that read, “Brad – We are broke up. – Andrea.” Nice! That’s a break up! Written notification personally served…the lawyer in me loves that! The worst break up I’ve ever been given was in my car. In MY car. Single ladies out there – a man’s whip is a special thing to him. Don’t taint that special thing by breaking up with him in his car. Unless he’s a major league jerk. In that case, let him catch you with the starting five for the Los Angeles Clippers in his car. He deserves it.

You may be wondering, “Is there anything even remotely resembling a point in all this?” No. Except maybe one – break ups suck on either end. But without break ups you wouldn’t have found that special person who doesn’t irritate you all that much. With that thought, I’m off to get a nice slice of pie.

If you have any good breakup stories, email them to me at brad [at] inknburn.com. If I get a few of them I’ll do an addendum to this post with them. Also, if you have any ideas for a great breakup tee… you have a chance to win $200! submit your art here or click on the banner below.

If you aren’t an artist but have a vision, write it up and email it to us. If one of our staff artists likes it enough to turn it into a tee design, we will. If you are an artist, send us a jpg of your idea. We’ll post all the top versions and do a real contest to decide the winner. Winner gets a free tee with their design and $200 and in return you can give us the rights to print your design!